i'm suck, i don't know what the hell is wrong with me today. There's so many tension, pressure and stuff. Probably it's because I'm not taking my breakfast this morning.
these days,,, or just today i feel a little bit tired. becos of the screen. tv's screen, laptop's screen, my cellphone's screen. its hard to stay away from those thing but, yeah i'm still work on it.
now days i feel a little intimidated. its like all the thing that i've done or ..... i simply don't do anything with my life,,,, in here the little town. different stuff happened in my village. or its just the same the different would be the crowd that i found in my home town it's kinda make me miss anything bout the house thingy. *sigh* i guess its just getting worst when i got home. i barely do something nice there. same thing run here too. my mom is the stereo type and ... i miss that part when she scream or yelling. but not bout giving the lecture. wuuuiihh she never get tired to do that, she love it. but no matter how hard it is to live and getting stuck in such a clumsy situation that myself make. no i will never blame the family that hold me back, i should say thanks becos no matter how clumsy i'm they dont even have a big deal bout it. just a little i guess (but it strike me soooo bad). i told lie to my parents show them i was just alright living without them. inside???? i'm suffer
what i need is not some back up plans but the confident. just need to put my faith and believe in my plans to get the gold inside the mud. God help me to be that person to move on. i'm work on it. just help me up God. i know You'll read this You hear my prays.
after so many long time try to download this thing, it took forever for me to get this thing finish
it called Google Chrome. h-ll i was waiting and waiting AND finally get this thing done
anyways i've been sitting in here ALONE with my laptop and some other people who enjoying the saturday at the campus (enjoying the wifi hahaha). back there when i was in the mosque or should i say i was doing and going with myself with almost no one. i know my parents especially my father always told me to be with some friends "DON'T GO ANYWHERE WITH YOURSELF, BRING SOME FRIENDS" its not mean that i have no friends, i have but i never bother to go with one. i get boring pretty easy when i'm with someone soooo. but here's the thing that get me mad: the flirty boys. i always try to avoid them. instead of being pretty i choice to look like nothing but my self. i thought with my face like this there would be no flirty boys come around, but boys are boys. no matter how hard i try to stay away from them they always get near . and that SUCK.
holly dear, it's been a long time, isn't it? well yeah, here i'm stuck in the middle of nowhere try to be quite as possible, weird as possible, just name it and shall be it (what the??) okay stretch that it's not even important.
sooooo i was trying to be someone different like so much, still on progress. step by step.
it's me, a very weird man kind alive that still try to make things right. i'm not that one person that will care so easily. you need to MAKE me care, FORCE me, but its not that easy. i try to be different but end up equal
well i have to go to the mosque and then the library.
so few days ago i was downloaded some music video and everything seems to bored me to the death and then my eyes find this "princess of china by coldplay feat rihanna" well since i'm a very proud navy i download it and first nothing special, but then i love it. about rihanna well that for sure but then the coldplay they're killing me with the good voice of the vocalist and i 're-love' it once more. it just need a second to love then i search all the memory video music, i remember when the first time i listen to their music "speed of sound" i was totally in love with their music ever since and then "fix you" yeah those 2 songs really deep for me.especially fix you and paradise. hhuuuuuhh i wish i could go to their concert and meet them personally, talking bout their music and their experience. and of course got their signature. but how long??? huhuhhh those silly dream of mine, but still i have faith in me that everything would change. yeah everything would change when the time come, i just need to grow my sensibility and my confident and throw all the shit in me.
Ya Alloh i have faith in you, i believe in You and i always do. i know You hear me, You do know me better than myself. and i wish that there will be someone out there who can fix me, who reminds me bout who i really am, to support me, to show me Your love, to always be there when i'm on the edge of a cliff, some one that love me because he loves You. someone ,, that someone is way so not him. the one a desire. just give someone that understand me and i understand him. well You do know what kind a someone i want.
coldplay you guys are roooccckkk..... glad to remember you all :) :) :)
...::: be yo' self :::....
i'm not hate my life God give to me, what i hate is how i'm wasting it. all the time that goes by for nothing,
do i need to try?? try something different?? well i'm already think of it but i ,, never take some action. you know to make it come true. i'm stupid and i know it, that would be nice song,isn't it?? i'm still that selfish girl walking with my dirty shoes and acting like i'm nothing. the same girl who never thought how important this life, the girl that have no vision and confident, walking above the ground like a living death,
i'm still not find it, my wallet gone few days ago && i feel worried bout it, there's some huge money i left in it, i thought that i'll find it right soon cause i believe i put it some where in my room ,,, or at the balcony but it must be some where inside the house
he,, that guy,, what's wrong with him?? he keep avoiding me every time we accidently meet. why ?? is it because my stupidity last time?? no, i guess it's a different way. or maybe he know my feeling for him?? or he's just simply damn psychic that can read my mind?? if he knew nothing bout it he could just standing there talking to his friends without moving to another side and hide his face from me. he makes it obvious for me to see that he knew something that i always wanna hide from him.
if he does know it but can't tell me it's fine i don't wanna say my confession either. but please let me love you, there's nothing wrong with loving someone right?? i knew all the time that i couldn't have you, it's total day dreaming. well you have another girl that loves you as much as i do and you love her back, but at least let me be the girl who loves someone, who hoping to see her crush smiling face, to know that she can breath clearly, see the world with beauty, to feel the sun burn underneath her skin. you don't know how happy i was when you there so close to me, breathless and i keep smiling like a crazy bitch and act stupid. but i'm happy. don't you see?? how meant that feeling for me. the only thing that make me survive. i'm so total realize that i don't deserve you neither of us deserve each other. you have vision in your life you have that confident, and i believe that you can make it to your dreams but not with me cause i'll be disaster, tornado that ruined everything, you can't handle me. so do i about you and all those shiny minds of yours. i'll be the dark side that probably you will chose to hide me from the sun.
JUST LET ME LOVE YOU, I DON'T NEED YOU TO LOVE ME BACK ALL I NEED IS TO KNOW THAT YOU'LL BE HERE AND I CAN SEE YOU SMILE AGAIN. I DON'T NEED TO HAVE YOU BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE ME BECAUSE I'M ALREADY YOURS
ya Alloh make me sure that he's not the one for me that neither of us deserve each other. and forgive me for what i did these days i'm getting crazy bout dirty stuff i'm so so so so sorry.
~dev be yo self
...::: the said clan:::...
damn , okay so i'm starting my day with some cleaning up at the field where
the boys could watched my and my friends sufferness this morning. i agreed with
law and stuff like that but c'mon you could be more obvious bout things
happening around here. as so you know i'm girl and i living at the girls
dormitory and you're not supposed to punish me and the rest of my kind at such
a place. be rational dude, we tried our best to not messed up with laws, but
your behave that declare you as a boss really make us not feeling the
law.
enough with words
here i'm in the library and writing my blog with shit i just have downloaded
some video on youtube. i tried to search something different. and that bitch at
that video really inspired me to talk, no matter the fact that she's so drop
dead gorgeous was undeniable but really it's inspired me
and i'm meeting my crush this morning. unpurposely and that makes me crazy
you know. yeah i have this comittment to remove this random feelings bout him
but it just hit me *finger clicking* like that. and when i was fixing my stuff
at the library locker, he was suddenly appeared like that and my heart hold the
blood and i can't breath for a bout 3 seconds. i was smiling around like a
crazy bitch. i should killed that guy for making me acting like that.
so here's the thing, first i have to admit that i'm not a good talker. couse everytime i talk to them it's like i put some stinky thing on my words that make 'em stay awy from me. i mean what wrong with those people. no matter how i try to scream they still not heard me. i know iknow i'm suh a phatetic girl.
okay it's not anybody's fault
okay, so here i'm stuck at the screen that will killing my eyes sooner or later. huh hard time, its always the same words that come from my mouth. i'm download some video for my note book you know just to make it a littel bit full with some "thing". well you know . maybe not.
okay so i was watching this movie last nite. and it was an asshole.
it was 9 or 10 pm when i turn up my notebook to searching some good movie, i keep on searching and searching the movies seem to bored me out. then my eyes glance at this title "The Hangover". i guess that was another action movie. so i watched it with my eyes half open cos i was sleepy but refuse to sleep.
at the first i thought it's just an ordinary movie, with some guys go to vegas to have some party, get in to trouble and stuff like that but it wasn't.
to my surprise it's not a damn action movie
the plot was crazy hangover. there so much .... crazy thing thing happened. grumbling and . . . i don't know.
but i have to admit at the end of that fucked movie i was wide awake. those guys are total nuts.
kuliah males, berangkat pagi males, mandi pagi males, buka buku males, kenapa setiap hal positif aku selalu ga ada gairah sama sekali, beda cerita kalo aku nonton film, buka facebook, apalagi sekarang twitter bikin aku gila. trending topic nya bikin aku ga kuat. parahnya lagi sekarang twitter bisa disambungin sama account facebook ku. makin gila setiap hari update status. see, it's only for stuff like that. waktu buat introspreksi jadi berkurang. temen2 sekamar pada punya modem. damn. gimana aku makin ga konsen ma hal positif yang udah aku rancang sedemikian rupa.
hi ,
well lets skip the boring stuff.
my day during this busy week ???? well nothing much happen so far
but still there one or two problem.
only at this kind of page i can share my littel dirty secret ;p
i lose my memory card and i lose my number too. lucky i already have another supply for the number. huh poor my littel momory card. that thing that still make .... sad. i try not to think bout it much since i already had a netbook i guess lose that missable thing won't be a big deal.
and these day i love to hear westlife. don't know what the fock happen to me but i'm kinda enjoy to listen to 'em. i remember how those song make me feels like. how the past song was very pure to entertain my ears. everything was soo ....classic.
hahhh....
i guess that's what i 've got for this week. and yeah today my mid semester test and you know as a good student the things that i do are sleepinq,being lazy,and enjoy the test (jk,except for the last part. i really do enjoy them ;p)
i'm still try my best . see ya for the next episode
asssssssssseeeeeeeeeeemmmmmmmmm banget hari ini they all sucksss.
bolos lagi para pemirsa ..... huft
ga tau kenapa kalo dapat kuliah pagi selalu ga nafsu,mata pengen nutup mulu.
hm. .. mungkin dah sifat dasar manusia ato cuman gue aja yang ngerasa kayak gitu.
kondisi otak gue saat 1 minggu lalu masih normal,maklum karena ga banyak pikiran,kuliah juga belum ada tugas yang berarti. hari senin kemaren dosen favorite ku pak chariri ngingetin aku kalo giliran kelompok ku buat presentasi senin depan. dan ternyata materinya ga se-sepele yang gue kira. masih seabreggg buku yang harus di cari buat ngelengkapin materi. sedangkan aku punya tugas lain menunggu untuk dikerjakan buat hari kamis besok. seperti yang pernah gue bilang gue suka ambil resiko "nyeselnya-kan-entar!!!" jadi para pemirsa sekalian hari ini i'll be cool but mess inside .
oke .
kita pindah ke topik lain kehidupan gue.
kemaren waktu gue mampir ke rumah bude buat terima gaji (uang jajan slama seminggu) karena kamaren ga ujan jadi gue sante aja tapi ternyata dugaan ku meleset jauh. ujan gede. sama sekali tanpa persiapan apapun. untung masih dirumah jadi masih aman tak terasa udah waktu nya balik ke pondok,ya gue akhirnya mondok.impian kecil yang sekarang pudar dimakan lalat. cerita lama.
balik ke rumah bude, ternyata bude dengan baik nya ngasih gue tas kresek buta buku dan sepatu gue biar ga basah beliau juga ngasih aku sandalnya yang kayaknya mahal buat alas kaki,sampil nyerahin payung beliau berkata "hidup itu penuh perjuangan". man, kata itu sampai sekarang masih nyangkut di ujung ubun2 gue. mulai saat itu gue mikir "kalo hidup ga ada perjuangan bukan hidup namanya". haishhh omongan ama perbuatan emang jauh beda buat gue. moga masih ada waktu buat aku ngubah semuanya. amin
gila anak2 jaman sekarang begitu ada game online langsung aja ribut kayak ibu2 rebutan baju2 obralan.man download nya lama banget lagi . . .
sebenernya masih banyak lagi yang mo gue tulis tapi jam dah mepet gue harus cepet2 ke kelas.
*dev b yo' self*
hi dev,
dari 2009 buat bikin aku deg degan setengah mati karena for the first time babe baru nemu yang namanya blog walo sekedar kenal. bingung setengah mati mau diapain ini blog. mau jadi forum curhat ???? buat gue yang cupu itu hal yang tabu ....
curhat buat gue yang masih SMA adalah mengumbar aib
dan mengumbar aib itu ga ada di kamus hidup gue , cukup aku dan tuhan aja yang tau. biarlah aku diam dalam kelabuuuuu (preeettt)
hahaha kalo keinget jaman gue SMA yang EMO banget (bukan penampilan tapi pemikiran)
sebagai seorang cewe yang tomboy bisa dibilang satu2nya hal yang ngebuat gue feminim adalah jilbab yang selalu gue pake keluar rumah (p.s. bukan cuman disekolah) hah bukan berarti gue nganggap jilbab itu buruk ato apa cuman emang ngebatasin gue dalam segala tingkah polah gue. seenggak nya gue ngerasa bersyukur ada jilbab yang ngingetin gue kalo gue cewe. hehehe ..... :)
dan itulah sebab nya nama blog ini agak sedikt spooky. karena gue pikir ga bakalan ada yang mau ngeliat blog ini dan orang pasti mikir blog ini isinya kuntil mandiin anak nya,suster ngesot ngelap lantai pake kakinya,atau pocong galau yang merenungi nasib nya (emang ada????). yahhhh.... apaun yang dipikirin orang itu urusan mereka. iya pikiran itu yang selalu jadi pedoman hidup gue selama SMA dan bahkan mungkin sampai sekarang. ga meduliin apapun yang orang bilang soal gue. sampai2 gue bener2 mati rasa soal caring people. benar2 individualis. yah kadang sifat seperti ini ada untung nya tapi udah jelas ada ruginya apa sih yang ga??? mungkin ada. termasuk sama tulisan ku di blog ini entah moe mikir apa tapi inilah gue yang sampai sekarang berusaha nemuin terang dalam jalan kelabu hidup.
sempet juga gue mikir , kenapa tuhan nyiptaiin makhluk yang ga berguna kayak gue. gue tau mungkin ini ucapan para pesimistik,para pecundang. baru2 ini aja gue mikir kayak gitu setelah cukup lama hidup di planet ini. gue emang gampang banget nyerah para pemirsa.
pikiran buat berubah selalu terbersit dalam otak kecil ku. cuman yahh namanya mau ngubah sikap agar berguna bagi nusa bangsa hampir selalu dapet kendala. males . bisikan swetan yang ga keliatan ini selalu menggiyurkan. gue tau ending nya bakal bikin gue nyesel tapi .... "nyeselnya kan nanti,sekarang nikmatin aja dulu coooyyy" itu pikir gue.
tapi jujur gue ga mau ada lagi penyesalan dalam hidup. udah cukup banyak orang2 yang gue sayang perhatian sama gue. bukan karena apa yang mereka beri ke gue mungkin lebih ke hubungan batin.
abah gue pernah bilang kalo idup susah ga usah dipikir berat2 dinikmatin aja. idup kudu seimbang antara senyum dan tangis. gue masih inget waktu abah suara abah pas nelpon gue. anaknya yang selau di manja dalam setiap senyumnya. damai banget.
ya moga di tahun 2012 (yang katanya mau kiamat) bisa jadi tahun tobat gue sebagai seorang cewe,anak,dan manusia. oh dan ga ketinggalan yang terpenting juga sebagai muslimah donkkk
*d3v be yo self *
