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Headlights by Eminem and a little note to my Mom :)


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Hi again, back with me.. uhh Atiq.

Actually i wanna write about my fangirl story part 2 but i got something  that actually was the part of my life too and that is music. And thanks to Ryan Higa’s tweet asking a suggestion on Eminem song that i start to listen to him again.

I was not into hardcore rap music to be honest. I more enjoying what i called “black music” (dude, thats so racist) well im Asian i dont know bout racism. Even if it exist in my country, my hood just never let me be racist. Sorry i just dont care.

Moving on!

Around September 2013 when i visited Billboard chart and saw Eminem’s song Bezerk was on the 100 chart, I just went straight to Youtube and searched for Bezerk and listen to it and .. DUUUUUUDDEEEE IZ DE BEAST I TOLD YAHH. It was like a mix between Rap and Rock combine together. Not gonne lie dude I was covering my mouth when I listen to it (fact bout me: I always covering my mouth when I fangirling and putting my “Beast Mode” on the spot. Like when I watch Ryan’s vid, listening to beatful music, etc) and all the people were like “what the hell is wrong with this girl?” I got no shame so I keep on fangirling over it. I keep pushing the play butt like a phyco.

(you what??)

And also, at the same time, fangirling over Drop That Thun Thun, Rock ‘n Roll by Avril Lavigne and Love More by Chris Brown. DA BEAT IS DOPE.

Back to the topic!

I was listening to those 4 songs for 2 weeks staright. 4 songs only. For 2 weeks. And Bezerk was like the most listen one. You can tell I was in love for 2 weeks. And then another song called Survival and Rap God made appearance on Billboard after that. These two songs, well I should say that they are soooooo Eminem. I’m actually not into them. Until Ryan make a video “Dear Ryan: Lamp God” that make me listen to Rap God again. But now I more focus on the lyrics of that song. Dude, I was crawling becos the lyrics, for me, are so funny. I highly recommended you to pay attention to the lyrics. Strong, ehhh kinda rude, so kick in, but funny.

Few moments ago I tweeted that I listen to Bezerk, Survival and Rap God. And one Higaholic suggested me to listen to Headlights.
I have to say a big THANK YOU for Yanna for that :)

And this is the MAIN reason

This song speak a lot about me and how I feel about my Mom. Like literally match, except the “he’s not around”  part I assume that refers to Dad I guess, and the part that my Mom drink, well she drinks plain water so.

I have never listening to the kinda song that speak my heart out and perfectly match my thought. This song, strong enough to make me missed my Mom’s love. And how caring she actually is and how she’s really in pain over her own problem, her “easy anger” mood that just so easy to goes off. And uhh not to mention that sometimes my Dad and my Grandma just uhh annoying.

The problem is my Mom is not the kinda person that show love by giving hugs or something physical, no, she more into giving me and my siblings loving and support (more like demanding)  words but not the cheesy one just simply word of “kids, I love you. I care bout you. I just wanna all of you to always unite as one. Five of you. I can’t never give you the best but I try”. she’s easy to get touch over some situation, she’s easy to cry. She also knows how to make us laugh. I love the way she’s always be all spontaneous and stuff like that. Such a fragile independent women.

(dude, are you crying?)

No, im not!!  Dude never cry *wipe tears*

I just missed my Mom okay!

And her cook is simply bomb *wipe salivas*

Even sometimes she’s really mean. Like when she’s mad becos I do something wrong or when I go to the market and get the wrong stuff or when I’m in my house all day do completely nothing and I just not taking any shower for three days. For real. Even sometimes if I’m soooooo lazy it can be way worst. And when that “worst” moment happen, like if you  5 meters away from me and you smell something gross, no need to look any direction, that’s me. And she just yell at me. Ahhh memory. And sometimes I hate her for being so demanding, and how she put her dream to me. That just so stressful even to think about it for a legit second. And when I talked to her its gonna be all awkward. Well not “all” but yeah we just have nothing to say to eachother. Or she just say something and I just listen like a good girl. More like I heve nothing to say to her, my life is not that interesting in words. That’s the reason I never call her or Dad or even my siblings. Cos seriously, I don’t have things to say.

Sometimes I just wish that I could have a hug from my Mom. Like a real hug. Not just a “welcome home honey” kinda hug. I can imagine how awkward it would be. But still, I love you still Mom :)

At this point, I just wanna say something to my Mom. Even tho she’s not and never read this blog

(cos you’ll never let her, right?) yup :D sorry Mom

But seriously,
Mom, I know how you struggle for living. I try to understand, I try to do my best, but please stop yelling. That’s so scared the living soul out of me Mom.
Thank you for being my Mom, I really appreciate with all my life how you love me in so many ways. I can’t never pay every single pray you wish for me and my siblings on every Sholat. I can’t never pay a`ll the love.

And sorry for being such a bad kid. Sorry if I can’t never do things right. Sorry for ignoring your love sometimes. Sorry for not listening and sorry if sometime I’m not treat you right.

Thank you for worrying about me, even tho you’ll get mad first, but I still love you Mom. I can’t never really hate you. Maybe at first I’ll be just hating on you, but in the end please know that I will always love you Mom, I always proud to be your badass daughter.

If God calling me, and I have no time left to say this with my own mouth. I just wish that this blog will be the prove of my love for my beautiful being Mom.

I love you Mom <3

(dude…. You really miss her, am I right?)

Yeah im such a baby, right? *wipe tears*

I guess I really miss her so much, and her cook uuhh and her cook hahahaha 
no, I really miss her.
I get really emotional here. Time to stop it here.
Until then… stay teehee everybody :)

(i wrote this at saturday night.. and i'm literally legit crying)

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my fangirl story


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Okay so this should be easy i guess..

The topic of the year of 2014 (not really) (i don’t know but i guess thats quite epic) (silly me)
So uhh i wanna write bout  my fangirl life which surprisingly  change me into ... a lamp? Hahaha yeah its kinda ridiculous how things work last year.. so chaostic of feelings and tears and feelings and chocolate  and tears and happy and uhhh stuff . But yeah over all im happy even happier i guess. At least this fangirl thing help me thru my not so boring life (i dont wanna sound that im so ungrateful bout my life and uhh lets skip this part for later).. (i dont wanna be too emotional here so)

Moving on !

My fangirl lyfe was or is pretty good i guess (thank you ryan) and these people called higaholics are just so sweet, it gives me diarrhea or diabetes? Hahaha just kidding. But they are seriously sweet and cute and lovely. Truely 100% beautiful, in and out (thats sound pervert for me tbh when people say things like “ beautiful in and out” stuff, like the outside part is fine but inside?)

Okay this parentthesis are getting ridiculous sorry if that bother you..

(uhh duh who will read this anyway ck)

*grump* Speaking of higaholics, can i talk bout ryan higa? Yes? Okay so ..

This guy name RYAN HIGA who born in june 6th 1990 in Hawaii who happen to be a youtubers who i happen to just realize his existence in the beginning of june last year and i kinda witnessed his birthday too but wasn’t the big fan that time until i watch one his vids “why selena broke up with justin” and i found it hilarious so i decided to download 3 vids “how to sing like your favorite artist”, “dear ryan: army of lamps” and “immature guy!” and ever since then i keep downloading his stuff and now you can tell that im a big huge skinnier fat not so giant fan.. or lamp (read this part without even stop for a breathe #idareyou)

(dude no one’s gonna read this anyway)

Well just in case XD

At first, nothing really special. I just like him because he’s funny. He can put the joke in the right place, or should i say in the most genius way. The puns just make me laugh even harder that i, sometimes, have to cover my mouth so that people wont get panic because my sudden burst of laughter that make the world twerking a little bit. (make the world twerk huh.. that so yesterday, right miley?) and then i downloaded two more vids. And these two vids are actually the vids that i wanna download first becos there’s a japanese name in it. anything bout japan is always attract my eyes. But at that time those three vids that i download was the latest and i think i should watch the latest so that i know if the vids from this guy are worth the watch or not (now im down to his marathon 3 times a week . too much?) and these two vids are “the ryan higa: sean fujiyoshi” and “fruit ninja fail”. Ever since that i get my addiction to download his vids. And you can say that these first 5 vids are having their throne in my empire.

(how bout the “why selena broke up with justin” vid?)

Well my friend ..

(wait you have friend?)

Shut up you stupid parentthesis!! Lemme finish okay

(.......)

I get distracted by the title of some vids before i finally download it. Like “oh this tittle seems legit enough, lets download it” .
Okay can we talk bout that vid for a while.
Such a beliber i am (hi justin !!!) that i just search anything that relate to justin on youtube.. well actually i was quite bored and i went to youtube when all of a sudden sth went missing. And that sth was in the suggestion bar.  And that sth is ryan higa.

A lil out of topic

So basically i know bout ryan long time ago ever since i know youtube and i made a channel. His vids were always in the front page. He always there in the suggestion bar.  And i know jenna’s channel too but her vids never showed up or her channel never touch my suggestion bar. I found her channel in a total accident (lets save this part for later) back to ryan. There’s this one time when i looked up for “how to”  vid like a legit tutorial how to be a better person stuff and the search bar always suggest like “how to be ninja”, “how to be emo” and “how to be gangster” (even i found the creepiest one “how to be vampire” haha edward wannabes) and when i clicked at those suggestion i found them pretty old vid and i was not in to old stuff so i keep on searching things that i wanna search. One of the most suggested video that time that always made an apperance on my first page was “why selena broke up with justin” and that vid been there for a few moments and then dissapeared but his channel still hang there in my suggestion bar.

Now back to the main topic

So when suddenly ryan’s channel, nigahiga, went missing for quite long, and then i decided to look up for his channel. But the first thing to type is not “nigahiga” cos at that time i didn’t remember  so i type that justin vid. I didn’t remember the tittle too cos bad memory  so i just typed “justin broke up with selena” and i was like “hmm should i watch it or should i not?”. At  that time im making such a deal with my spirit and the universe wether should i just ignored it or completely ignored it (cos lazy peep i am) and then.. it happen.. the most momentum of my fangirl career.. i .. i.. clicked it.. and and and watched it and and laughed at it..
Well there’s nothing bout belieber actually.. but such a dedicate fan i am that i looked up for the vid with his name in it. (so dedicate, right?)
And it just hit me as i wrote this that its becos of justin bieber i know bout this hilarious guy name ryan higa. And i love him. With all my food in the fridge and a lil pocket of my heart. The hot pocket one.

I’d like to write more but i guess its enough. Its pretty tiring to think bout words and grammar and and ryan and im hungry (what?) and i wanna say sorry to anyone who read this blog, including myself, for the stupid parenthesis thingy (i dont know i just like to talk to myself irl that i apply it on my writing here)
(beside dude, seriously who will actually have time to read this longass train rant?)
so yeah thats bout it.
Im going to write something bout my fangirl career next time.
Until then, stay teehee everybody
#TEEHEE


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it's been a while since i write sth here.. hahaha so many things going on in 2013
fangirling has change me a lot. like its literally sucking out my sanity to de core. thanks to ryan higa now i'm like crying with happiness and feels that i never feel and craziness just ... ITS ALREADY LIKE THE PART OF MY FREAKING EXISTENCE LIKE UGGHH
but over all im fine.. just skip a beat every now and then feel breathless and hungry all the time (basically that my prob now)
oh well anyway i decided ro dedicate this blog to explode my feelings over my far away boyfriend ryan higa..
i dont know what to post tho.
so i just write a lil for a lil update cos its been a while (like i need to use this thing, idk why i just feel it)
and i guess this'll be he nice place since .. duhh no one pay attention to this old stuff like blogging.. twitter has taken everything and i like it. that means this thing just getting classyy huummm *wink wink
i like it..
beside i wont really write i mean i only got 10 fingers 2 eyes and typing is just tiring yknow..
still try to figure out what to post here (and i dont think i'll post frequently) so until then..
stay frozen everybody (do you wanna build a snowman?)

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speaking of frozen, im not watching it yet cos idk i just lazy to go to the cinema or maybe i just broke as heck #teehee

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late for breakfast


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i'm suck, i don't know what the hell is wrong with me today. There's so many tension, pressure and stuff. Probably it's because I'm not taking my breakfast this morning.


i feel that i'm losing my mind right now. still try to make things right. i feel crazy my self for crying out loud. i'm planning on home earlier today because the library's going to close in the last minutes so it'll be no use to go there now. now the hunger strike me, i better go now 

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another day


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these days,,, or just today i feel a little bit tired. becos of the screen. tv's screen, laptop's screen, my cellphone's screen. its hard to stay away from those thing but, yeah i'm still work on it.

now days i feel a little intimidated. its like all the thing that i've done or ..... i simply don't do anything with my life,,,, in here the little town. different stuff happened in my village. or its just the same the different would be the crowd that i found in my home town it's kinda make me miss anything bout the house thingy. *sigh* i guess its just getting worst when i got home. i barely do something nice there. same thing run here too. my mom is the stereo type and ... i miss that part when she scream or yelling. but not bout giving the lecture. wuuuiihh she never get tired to do that, she love it. but no matter how hard it is to live and getting stuck in such a clumsy situation that myself make. no i will never blame the family that hold me back, i should say thanks becos no matter how clumsy i'm they dont even have a big deal bout it. just a little i guess (but it strike me soooo bad). i told lie to my parents show them i was just alright living without them. inside???? i'm suffer

what i need is not some back up plans but the confident. just need to put my faith and believe in my plans to get the gold inside the mud. God help me to be that person to move on. i'm work on it. just help me up God. i know You'll read this You hear my prays.

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FINALLY I DID IT


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after so many long time try to download this thing, it took forever for me to get this thing finish
it called Google Chrome. h-ll i was waiting and waiting AND finally get this thing done

 anyways i've been sitting in here ALONE with my laptop and some other people who enjoying the saturday at the campus (enjoying the wifi hahaha). back there when i was in the mosque or should i say i was doing and going with myself with almost no one. i know my parents especially my father always told me to be with some friends "DON'T GO ANYWHERE WITH YOURSELF, BRING SOME FRIENDS" its not mean that i have no friends, i have but i never bother to go with one. i get boring pretty easy when i'm with someone soooo. but here's the thing that get me mad: the flirty boys. i always try to avoid them. instead of being pretty i choice to look like nothing but my self. i thought with my face like this there would be no flirty boys come around, but boys are boys. no matter how hard i try to stay away from them they always get near . and that SUCK.

yet these girls thought that i was crazy, dead walking girl, weird, nerd (not so much but i love reading books), smart (h-ll some people believe it). well whatever they say i will just ignore the pain and stuck the heaphones in my ears, playing the loudest and let  it flow with the music

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another day


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holly dear, it's been a long time, isn't it? well yeah, here i'm stuck in the middle of nowhere try to be quite as possible, weird as possible, just name it and shall be it (what the??) okay stretch that it's not even important.
sooooo i was trying to be someone different like so much, still on progress. step by step.

it's me, a very weird man kind alive that still try to make things right. i'm not that one person that will care so easily. you need to MAKE me care, FORCE me, but its not that easy. i try to be different but end up equal

well i have to go to the mosque and then the library.

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